Thoughts from your favorite Christmas Grinch

Dear friends, below I’ve decided to share some of my thoughts about Christmas because I have, perplexingly, been listening to Christmas music all Advent. There is probably a decent essay in here, but my brain is not in editing mode and it’s time sensitive, so here are my fragments. It’s been a weird, hard year but the days are getting longer and brighter, and I am genuinely hopeful about the year ahead. For those who celebrate: Merry Christmas, and to all: happy holidays and happy new year.

I am staunchly in the camp of no Christmas music before Thanksgiving. No Christmas music before Advent. No Christmas music until Spotify Wrapped has come out and we’re in the month of No Man’s Land when your data is still being accumulated but not counted. One of my teammates in high school would try to put on Christmas music on at 5am in the beginning of November and nothing made me madder, probably because I was already pissed off at having to jump in a cold pool at 5am.

At the height of the pandemic in 2020, I spent my first and only Christmas without my parents. I was surprised at how sad I was, to miss that day with them. I couldn’t stop crying. I surprised myself and started playing Christmas music. I had never really felt the need before, but there I was, sobbing to Jingle Bells. You can laugh, it was funny then too.

When I was a kid, I had to beg my dad to put up Christmas lights (let’s not pretend they’re secular) on our house. I wanted colored lights like in Whoville. Inside our house, the tree overflowed with keeper ornaments and our mantle was lined with nutcrackers, but from the outside we were the Grinch House. Year over year, I slowly wore him down and he gradually acquiesced to white scalloped lights and white light reindeer sculptures—very classy.

Last year we went on the Polar Express (el oh el) and my mom wanted to get matching pajamas but let M choose because he’s the most particular of us four when it comes to fashion. Naturally (if you know him), M chose black silk pajamas. To quote my parents, we looked like the Addams family. But Santa was thrilled at the smooth fabric. No flannel for this family. We even had the little sleigh bells, because of course we did. There is, admittedly, a part of me that will believe in Santa forever even though my mom wrote me a letter when I was eleven basically saying that we were done with Santa gifts. I already knew but I could have kept pretending. Some kids get letters to Hogwarts, my mom told me Santa wasn’t real. It’s fine.

As I arrive in Michigan again for Christmas, we are the Grinch House again. This year, I don’t blame them. There just wasn’t time as my parents shuttled between Toronto and Michigan to help care for their brother-in-law. It’s been a Grinch Year, we can have a Grinch House. I honestly don’t even know how much time we’ll be spending in Michigan and my suitcase is filled with all black and a few choice orange pieces, my uncle’s favorite color. As we approach Christmas, we’re praying daily family rosaries with the Divine Mercy Chaplet over Viber. To distract myself in between, I put on the Christmas Classics playlist and try to catch up on my to-do list, which is stupid. Trying to be productive right now is stupid. But it’s all I can control so I try anyway.

One of my favorite writers, Helena Fitzgerald (griefbacon) is writing a series about Christmas movies about Christmas movies and how Christmas movies are about being lonely at bad parties. I resent this. Christmas is about rejoicing with family and staying in pajamas all day. Advent, the before-Christmas, is about the lonely dark, and our western culture gets this confused (the 12 Days of Christmas starts on the 25th people!). But as I’m listening to Judy sing Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas, I realize Helena has a point. Christmas music is also about wishing things were different, hoping for something better in the new year. And so, like in 2020, I’m listening to Christmas music because it was the nearest, most convenient float to grab onto in a season that I’ve felt like drowning. I’m listening to Christmas music in 2022 because I’m grieving and wishing for something better in the new year.

It feels insane to insist on Joy to the World but I'll sing it anyway.

Love,
Kara